unable to vent out feelings. no words, no form of action can take away this horrible thing.

i hate it.

Guess it was a serious mistake thinking twice about my decision. I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have. In the end, I'm getting hurt again.

Fuck you alastair, FUCK YOU!

Stupid me, thinking otherwise. Thinking it'd be worth another shot. But I guess this is another sign we shouldn't be together. It just shows that you're all out to hurt me. You've drank till you were almost drunk, smoked, went to a pub with a guy, gonna get a new piercing. I don't know. What's next? MAN! Think I'd be totally crazy if I actually did what I wanted to do.

Enough thinking, enough discussions, enough wild thoughts.

I can't get over you

Thats that. I can say no more. But at the same time, I can't be with you.

Oh and the ironic thing is that I've decided to blog this when it could've been our 16th month.

Well, it's been almost a month since I've last updated.

"I can almost see webs in your blog." quoted from Alvin.

I really don't see what I can actually blog about apart from the fact where I've been going through something I really did not see coming. I really do thank the people who were there for me. Alvin and Raymond for hearing my stupid outrages bloody vulgarities during our Genting trip. Ben for trying to be there for me and trying to cheer me up.

I don't know. I, I didn't see this coming. And I can say and I bet my life on this that I can never trust you again. Not even as my friend, I can't trust you. You know who you are, saying how much I meant to you, how much you love me, how much you were looking forward to spending your life with me. I look back to all those words you've said to me, and I think now, they all mean nothing. If they did mean something you wouldn't have done what you did, you wouldn't even have let it start. No, you didn't listen to me for the millionth time. And so now I give up.

I can't love you anymore.

Sure I said we'd pull through no matter what. But what about me? What about me? What am I going to do? With all the hurt and anger I have inside of me? Am I just to overcome it with love? I can't! Because each time I take a look at you, I think about what you did. And it just hurts so fucking much. What you did was not a mistake, it was your decision. I shan't disclose any information on the details of what had happened and for all those who know, I hope you keep it to yourself.

I mean it when I say I still love you. And I can't help not falling out of love with you because you've got me in this trance, this amazing perfect world where we would live happily ever after, this satisfaction that I have found my other half. But then, if you were my other half, you wouldn't have done what you did. And so all I can say is farewell. I know it'll be hard, but what else can I do? Try again you say, but what's there to try again when it will somehow happen again? And I'm going to go through another period of hurt? Before this you said many a times, in fact even before it happened, just a few hours you said "I would never do anything to hurt you." Stupid me, you've already hurt me before you said that sentence that day. Seeing that, I don't see how you can actually mean what you've been saying to me all these while.

It just doesn't make sense at all! And you know what? Truth or half truth or totally a lie, I don't care anymore because I don't see a future in this relationship with you because of what you've done. Because of what you did, it has already cause this super huge impact in our friendship and it will never be mended. I'm sorry, I really am. But I've to leave, like you said, I've to love myself. So thats what I'm doing. I don't think I deserve something like that you did. Goodbye.

I'm now popular for being an intruder in a person's life. Well, I must say from now on, I shan't intrude in a person's personal no matter how much I care for that person. I will stay away and mind my own business. I have my own screwed up life to settle and nothing is going the way it is.

All this while I thought I was just showing care and concern turn out to be nosy and busybody. I shan't bring myself to concern about anyone else anymore because it is known to be an intrusion as well as an offense and it will break the friendship.

What a great thing to have me as a friend.

I was not me today. I had to act to be me. The whole day. I don't know why. During service I was totally numb. I didn't know how to feel, react. I was lost, somewhere else not here.

After service, walking to the food court. Live flashback of..... many things. I just don't know what was going on. It was like I was in the middle of two trains going pass me. Noise, wind, elements flying into my eyes. Except these are thoughts. I don't know. Inside my heart, mind I just felt like screaming, shouting, running, escaping. I don't know from what but, I knew I was suffering. My fist clenched together, I don't know. I'm running out of stuff to describe that fucked up session.

Night

I was on the way back home from school today. Was just thinking of what Eldric and I discussed about. Let's just use A as the guy and B as the girl.

A and B have been together for a rather long time. About 10 months or so? I don't know if they had plans to get married in the future or not, but they seem pretty fine to me. Little or no quarrels, have the perfect life without parents(shan't disclose much on that). Well, recently A and B have been quarreling about their differences and their goals in life - ambitions and stuff. A wants to do stuff in the future that some how B doesn't find it practical. And some how these 'differences' is tearing them apart and lead them to separate ways. Perhaps this is a situation where a couple can't help it but go separate ways but somehow I feel that if I was in either of their position, lets say A, if my girlfriend doesn't support my ambition, then I'd give it up for her; No matter what. At the same time if was in B's position, I'd give in my full support no matter what ambition it is. But somehow or another, neither A or B is willing to 'give in'. From what I observed, this couple love each other very very much and I am very sure that if they do go separate ways, both of them would suffer a lot.

Well in my case, if I was that in love with that someone, I'd give anything for that person. Anything. But till a certain extend (for now, for some valid reasons example age). Given my current situation - age, financial issues, studies, if these things don't stand in my way, I'd definitely give up anything for her. My pastor preached on love 2 weeks back. He said that what is true love is that one should love another unconditionally. That is true love. If someone loves another expecting that person to love back, thats mutual love. That is not a bad thing however yet, its not the best thing. For me right now, no matter what the situation, no matter what she does or did, I'd still love her, no matter what. Even if distance is a problem, even if time is a problem, even if people stand in between, I'd still love her.

I'd like to talk more about her but this post is about love. Coming back to unconditional love. Through A and B's situation, neither of them are loving each other unconditionally. But yet somehow something struck to me. They are still young, I mean, A and B might not be the perfect match of each other. And because of their current age, they still have to plan ahead for their lives. But i mean, if two people are in a serious relationship, they'd give up everything for each other, no matter what(taking current situation at hand). This is something which I cannot understand.

If anyone does have an explanation or a theory, please do tell me. My email is on the side.