newbster

unexpressed sorrow

2007-05-09T14:48:00.000+08:00

unable to vent out feelings. no words, no form of action can take away this horrible thing.

i hate it.

mistake

2007-03-28T02:18:00.000+08:00

Guess it was a serious mistake thinking twice about my decision. I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have. In the end, I'm getting hurt again.

Fuck you alastair, FUCK YOU!

Stupid me, thinking otherwise. Thinking it'd be worth another shot. But I guess this is another sign we shouldn't be together. It just shows that you're all out to hurt me. You've drank till you were almost drunk, smoked, went to a pub with a guy, gonna get a new piercing. I don't know. What's next? MAN! Think I'd be totally crazy if I actually did what I wanted to do.

enough said

2007-03-25T03:17:00.000+08:00

Enough thinking, enough discussions, enough wild thoughts.

I can't get over you

Thats that. I can say no more. But at the same time, I can't be with you.

OH

2007-03-24T03:10:00.000+08:00

Oh and the ironic thing is that I've decided to blog this when it could've been our 16th month.

updates

2007-03-24T02:50:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been almost a month since I've last updated.

"I can almost see webs in your blog." quoted from Alvin.

I really don't see what I can actually blog about apart from the fact where I've been going through something I really did not see coming. I really do thank the people who were there for me. Alvin and Raymond for hearing my stupid outrages bloody vulgarities during our Genting trip. Ben for trying to be there for me and trying to cheer me up.

I don't know. I, I didn't see this coming. And I can say and I bet my life on this that I can never trust you again. Not even as my friend, I can't trust you. You know who you are, saying how much I meant to you, how much you love me, how much you were looking forward to spending your life with me. I look back to all those words you've said to me, and I think now, they all mean nothing. If they did mean something you wouldn't have done what you did, you wouldn't even have let it start. No, you didn't listen to me for the millionth time. And so now I give up.

I can't love you anymore.

Sure I said we'd pull through no matter what. But what about me? What about me? What am I going to do? With all the hurt and anger I have inside of me? Am I just to overcome it with love? I can't! Because each time I take a look at you, I think about what you did. And it just hurts so fucking much. What you did was not a mistake, it was your decision. I shan't disclose any information on the details of what had happened and for all those who know, I hope you keep it to yourself.

I mean it when I say I still love you. And I can't help not falling out of love with you because you've got me in this trance, this amazing perfect world where we would live happily ever after, this satisfaction that I have found my other half. But then, if you were my other half, you wouldn't have done what you did. And so all I can say is farewell. I know it'll be hard, but what else can I do? Try again you say, but what's there to try again when it will somehow happen again? And I'm going to go through another period of hurt? Before this you said many a times, in fact even before it happened, just a few hours you said "I would never do anything to hurt you." Stupid me, you've already hurt me before you said that sentence that day. Seeing that, I don't see how you can actually mean what you've been saying to me all these while.

It just doesn't make sense at all! And you know what? Truth or half truth or totally a lie, I don't care anymore because I don't see a future in this relationship with you because of what you've done. Because of what you did, it has already cause this super huge impact in our friendship and it will never be mended. I'm sorry, I really am. But I've to leave, like you said, I've to love myself. So thats what I'm doing. I don't think I deserve something like that you did. Goodbye.

intruder alert

2007-02-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

I'm now popular for being an intruder in a person's life. Well, I must say from now on, I shan't intrude in a person's personal no matter how much I care for that person. I will stay away and mind my own business. I have my own screwed up life to settle and nothing is going the way it is.

All this while I thought I was just showing care and concern turn out to be nosy and busybody. I shan't bring myself to concern about anyone else anymore because it is known to be an intrusion as well as an offense and it will break the friendship.

What a great thing to have me as a friend.

a swirl of thoughts

2007-02-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

I was not me today. I had to act to be me. The whole day. I don't know why. During service I was totally numb. I didn't know how to feel, react. I was lost, somewhere else not here.

After service, walking to the food court. Live flashback of..... many things. I just don't know what was going on. It was like I was in the middle of two trains going pass me. Noise, wind, elements flying into my eyes. Except these are thoughts. I don't know. Inside my heart, mind I just felt like screaming, shouting, running, escaping. I don't know from what but, I knew I was suffering. My fist clenched together, I don't know. I'm running out of stuff to describe that fucked up session.

Night

Love

2007-02-08T20:38:00.000+08:00

I was on the way back home from school today. Was just thinking of what Eldric and I discussed about. Let's just use A as the guy and B as the girl.

A and B have been together for a rather long time. About 10 months or so? I don't know if they had plans to get married in the future or not, but they seem pretty fine to me. Little or no quarrels, have the perfect life without parents(shan't disclose much on that). Well, recently A and B have been quarreling about their differences and their goals in life - ambitions and stuff. A wants to do stuff in the future that some how B doesn't find it practical. And some how these 'differences' is tearing them apart and lead them to separate ways. Perhaps this is a situation where a couple can't help it but go separate ways but somehow I feel that if I was in either of their position, lets say A, if my girlfriend doesn't support my ambition, then I'd give it up for her; No matter what. At the same time if was in B's position, I'd give in my full support no matter what ambition it is. But somehow or another, neither A or B is willing to 'give in'. From what I observed, this couple love each other very very much and I am very sure that if they do go separate ways, both of them would suffer a lot.

Well in my case, if I was that in love with that someone, I'd give anything for that person. Anything. But till a certain extend (for now, for some valid reasons example age). Given my current situation - age, financial issues, studies, if these things don't stand in my way, I'd definitely give up anything for her. My pastor preached on love 2 weeks back. He said that what is true love is that one should love another unconditionally. That is true love. If someone loves another expecting that person to love back, thats mutual love. That is not a bad thing however yet, its not the best thing. For me right now, no matter what the situation, no matter what she does or did, I'd still love her, no matter what. Even if distance is a problem, even if time is a problem, even if people stand in between, I'd still love her.

I'd like to talk more about her but this post is about love. Coming back to unconditional love. Through A and B's situation, neither of them are loving each other unconditionally. But yet somehow something struck to me. They are still young, I mean, A and B might not be the perfect match of each other. And because of their current age, they still have to plan ahead for their lives. But i mean, if two people are in a serious relationship, they'd give up everything for each other, no matter what(taking current situation at hand). This is something which I cannot understand.

If anyone does have an explanation or a theory, please do tell me. My email is on the side.

safe to say

2007-01-19T21:58:00.000+08:00

well right now i guess its safe to say no one knows me for who i am really deep down.

a month

2006-12-13T21:52:00.000+08:00

It's been a month since I've last blogged. I've been wanting to. Many times infact. But I somehow had this thing pulling me back from depression. But here I am.

Life's been going downhill as usual. I'm told to leave her the hell alone, gona fail my tests, I don't fit in anywhere. Yes. Anywhere. Ah wells. Its the school hols now and I shall just be cooped up at home.

Yesterday I met a person. She consults people for a living but I met her through a mutual friend. My past ambition was psychology but it faded after realising the hours and money spent on the tuition. SO anyway, I asked her what if she felt down, needing to talk to someone and stuff etc. She said : " Being successful as a psychologist, you must have a lot of very good friends in order to stay strong." Yeah well. Being a normal person myself, I ain't strong but yet I want to be there for all my friends. Every single one of em. But the thing comes back to me. If I need someone to talk to, who do I go to? Thing is I can't bring myself to wear others with my own burdens I guess I just drown it all within me.

And then, in order to live a nice and proper life, one has to fit in somewhere or another. But I don't fit in anywhere. Not at all. Not a sense of belonging. To this family, to my class, to my friends, to my school, to this country. Nothing at all.
I'm just not 'fit' enough to be anywhere.

My rants, only the internet can bear it. Cause technology can't complain. Just the people who see these uselss and fucked up posts that get fed up. Life is not to be dreaded but well, I'm dragging myself. Bit by bit. Of course I ain't the worst insignificant human in this world to being experiencing such stuff but well, to humans, if something bad happens to you, you'd just think no one else understands. Yeah thats what going through my tiny little brain of mine.

I mean for readers who might waste their precious golden time reading this, you might just think : "Well, thats not true! You're not the worst pathetic loser in this world!" Well, wait till something hits you. See how would you handle it. Sure you might have the friends who know when and how to comfort you, then good for you. I daren't say I don't, but so far, I keep everything to myself and this pathetic blog.

So much more to rant, to talk about, to complain but I really don't know where to start. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Just wasting away I guess.

Slowly I walk through this path of darkness
Seeing nothing ahead of me.
Just hoping to walk till the end of the road so I can fall to my death.
A silent yet echoed thud would be heard and gone.
And there goes me, a burden to everyone.

see ya

sick

2006-11-11T15:00:00.000+08:00

I woke up, feeling cold, weak, head heavy. I needed a hug, a cuddle. I needed to know if anyone cared. I just laid on my bed, feeling lost, hot and cold at the same time. I closed my eyes again and woke up an hour later. Again, I had that feeling of lost again, the feeling of no one cared.

Maybe no one really cares. They just say they do, but in the end its just saying. In this cold, stuck up room. God its messy, it makes me feel so messed up. Even without any ventilation, I feel cold and lonely. My eyes feel heavy. They feel swollen. I just wanna close my eyes. Just forget all of these emotions. But I can't. The noise outside, the living room. Its making me suffer. Its not letting me forget. Times like that, I do wanna die. Everything i do, it ain't good enough. How good it is, its never good enough. People just want more. I feel so demoralised. Feel so gone. I'm stuck at the bottom of the pit, no one is there to pick me up.

Maybe someone does care. Maybe a group of them. But I just not know it. I just sit on my uncomfortable chair, typing this shit out and hear the screams and giggles of 6 yr old girls outside. I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know whats my purpose. I don't know what I wanna do. Thing is I can't even focus. No one to talk to. No one would understand how i feel. I can't talk it out, I can't write it out, I can't draw it out. No ways of communicating. Everything feels cold to me. I think I'm under fever, no motivation to do my work that is due on Monday. I just wanna slack and die. Slack and die. I feel so weak, so lost, so gone from this family. This world.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I just wanna give up on myself cause there ain't hope for me anymore.

Yeah, all hope is lost. I don't wanna live no more. Stop breathing. The curtains closed, the lamp is on, it makes the room all warm and cosy. But the ironic thing is, I don't feel it. I feel the total opposite. Cold, alone, gone, sick, fucked up.

I wanna die.

distant

2006-11-01T22:52:00.000+08:00

There're many things I need to say, need to express. But I can't. I can't at all. I can't find the words, can't find the way to say it. I am lost. So so lost. I don't know who or what to trust. I don't know what to do with my life.

I don't know why I am typing this.

life-less

2006-10-19T01:43:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking. I am the kind of guy whom you call loser in school. The guy who doesn't give a shit about himself at all.

random post. q:

fuckthislifeimliving.worthlesspieceofcrap

for people who actually do read this stupid blog, don't bother asking if im alright or anything. its just me being me. if you don't get it, don't read.

drink, used, thrown away, forgotten

2006-10-10T23:38:00.000+08:00

Its gona be a new start next sem. I'll try a different start. A start where no one would wanna try. But its just for experimentation. Actually its already in progress. Distance.

Yeah, distance. I'll just walk in, minding my own business. Walk in the lecture hall, find a quiet spot. Eat on my own, study during the breaks, sit alone during tutorials. A new and different start.

see ya.

im just used, thrown away, then forgotten. whats the point of living.

updates

2006-09-22T10:29:00.000+08:00

Well I've been working at International Monetary Fund (IMF). It was really really fun. Learning new stuff and all. Well the best part is that I definetly made new friends.
Each one of them has different sense of humour, different taste in other things as well as common stuff. Yeah. So most of the part-timers were from Republic Poly (RP). So many of em. Yeah so I worked at Fuji Xerox. Printing documents, speeches for the important people at IMF. It was fun. Surely fun. gaining new experiences. I some how miss that place although I've only worked there for 6 days.

I'll be off for skipping later on. My legs will ache the next day. I'll be working on the 1st of Oct till the 4th. Part time at my dad's office. Hols ain't what it used to be. I hate being broke.

By the way, did I mention I have currently 5 acoustic and 1 electric guitar in my room? Now there's hardly any space to walk.

So. Im off. Chao

I don't get it

2006-09-19T13:57:00.000+08:00

You know what? I simply don't get it at all. I really don't. When I thought things were going proper, like after awhile, it just went back to its usual self. I hate routines. There're so many things I wanna say, but, its just so difficult to type out, so fucking difficult. I don't know what to do with my life. Because every choice I make, every decision I make seems to be the wrong one.

Die. I wanna die.

the cold dark night

2006-09-12T22:08:00.000+08:00

You know when you watch the movies, and you see the main character just walking alone in the park/beach/street after a break up, and he/she just walks and settles down on a bench. He just sits there trying to enjoy the cooling temperature but yet can't help feeling lonely. No one there who cared about him. None of his friends knew what had happened and he just sat there, hoping a familiar face would appear and sit and cared for him but of course there wasn't anyone.

ARGH! Fuck that bullcrap. Who gives a shit about someone after he/she breaks up. It's just a fucking break up and all he feels is loneliness. Fuck this lonely feeling. Who gives a crap except yourself cause you're feeling it and no one else does. You see the fast cars driving pass. You just wish you didn't care about yourself to that extend that you'd just walk on the road blindly, hoping a car knocks you and kills you on the spot. Cause fuck yourself.

I have so many things to say but, they just can't come. It's all whirling in my small little pathetic brain of mine and it can't process all my feelings, my thoughts.

no one else

2006-09-11T03:19:00.000+08:00

Well. It took me sometime to realise. Without her in my life, I don't have anyone else. I don't have anyone else to love, to talk to, to be with, to be loved by, and I don't want not to have all these things. But the best thing of all this is that it is her. And I don't have that any longer. And no one else can take her place. No one else.

I was just watching the 2nd last episode of The L word season 3. It was when one of the friends, Dana, she has cancer and all her friends care for her but they got their own lives. So the final 45 minutes of her life in the show, everyone was just doing their own things. And just when Dana was getting saved, her best friend was just going to visit her and as the best friend got closer to the ward, the person just died. It just showed me that, anyone can be gone at anytime. And life is just so so precious. At times I say I wanna die but I know I don't. I like loving people, I like being loved, I like flirting, I like living my life. I do. I like to know that people do care for me. And I mean, what if one day, when everyone is just doing their stuff, the person who is the most important to you was walking some where and he/she trip, fall, knock his/her head and just bleed to death, right there, on that spot. I mean, when you found out he/she is dead, what would happen? Would your wall of happiness just go crumbling down? How would your reaction be?

I'd think my heart would be the loudest thing I would be hearing, I'd just fall to my knees and hate myself for not being the last person to hug him/her and tell him/her I loved that person very very much. It just hurts thinking someone who is most dearest to you die and not being able to be there and save them. It just hurts so much. Can you just imagine that? Not able to hug, see, kiss, talk to that person, ever again? How scary is that? That would be one of my greatest fears in my life.

i can't

2006-08-27T15:48:00.000+08:00

I can't study. I just can't. The notes the school gave are like damn uselss. ARGH! At this time, this stupid shitty thing had to come up. What the hell is wrong with me?! Sigh. So many things to study. So many damn things.

focus man. Focus.

I can't bloody focus. Too many things swirling in my head. I can't do it. I'm gona fail. ARGH!

What to do?

2006-08-27T12:46:00.000+08:00

I semi-half decided to stop serving in church. Everything I do is terrible and out of place. Just like yesterday. I was so embarrassed. Just because of that particular song. pfft. I just walked out. I didn't want to be in there. I just went home. All I ever do was make things worst.

I realised, times like these, the person I want to be there for me can't, and won't be here anymore. I watched as the cars go by, each car at their own speed. I wonder, I just went into one of those lanes, how hard is it for the car to hit me. How painful would it be. Anyway, I went back home, just went on the computer like nothing happened.

I've to study, I've to study, I've to study.

my last paper tomorrow. I've finished 2 papers so far and they've been quite alright. Although no confirmed As or distinctions, I have 2 definite passes thats for sure.

Being single after a break up is tough. You know your heart still belongs to the other but yet, you wanna be with someone. Someone who would love you and hold you tight. I for one, hate being single. I hate to be alone, lonely. Pffft. Everyone has their own lives, caring for their own loved ones. All I have is myself, my family. Yeah wells. I am going to study I hope. I really do hope.

see ya world.

the aftermath

2006-08-09T11:03:00.000+08:00

its been about a month after. yesterday was her big play thing. it was great. however i just didn't get it. within 2 weeks to a month, a guy whom she just known, sticked to her like she was his only friend. Its not mine to say because im not her boyfriend anymore. yeah thats right. im not her boyfriend anymore. i just do things myself now. be by myself. things for her seem so much better. she got a tatoo with her mom. i guess its the award for breaking up. things never went well when we were together. only now when we're that far apart. times when i could be talking to her or be with her or just to send a text message i can't. they're all gone. i don't want her back because if she's back with me, it'll just ruin all the good things happening now, for her.

my big 18 passed. it wasn't all that super duper big party. but instead, a heart warming that made me miss all the times we've made at Barker. All those silly bastards with their big mouths and wild ideas. missed all of them. i thank the people that made the surprise possible. i thank the person who actually thought of it in the first place. i thank those people who actually made it down! i thank the people for helping with the setup, the payment, the invitations. i thank the people who came down the next day! it was 2 nights of party. yeahh well. that was my big 18, without the person i loved so dear.

back to last night. this person called me up yesterday when i was rushing out of the house. she needed to talk to someone and since her 2 best friends were busy so yeah. she told me about her breakup, she being a bad girlfriend, this that. her self confidence was cracked then shattered. she didn't know why her ex-boyfriend didn't want her back. in the end, she find out that he was kind of cheating on her with another one of those short tight mini skirt and low cut tops girls. my friend, A, didn't understand why. if he, ex, loved A so deeply (or so he says) how is it possible for him to cheat on her? i understand the part where they don't meet for days, weeks, months. but she made time for them, he didn't. maybe by then he wasn't in love with her anymore? maybe he was getting close to another when he felt the distance. if its just one time of harsh, 2 words of stupidity. break up. everything is over. you lose the person you would love so much. when i saw what happened yesterday. his hands swarmed her back like she was his. he was always with her like he was to protect her. i really don't know what else to think.

she says" he's a great pianist, he can actually speak cantonese, he's tall and smart"
yeah. the things i'm never gona be. then and there he was talking to anne in canton, making me feel like a stupid idiot that couldn't be in that conversation. how useless i felt. i can't even speak another language to save myself. i wanted to escape that night. i didn't want to follow them for supper. i just wanted to be by myself. walked the lonely road home. hopefully i don't get lost.

i really don't want to be jealous and all that but its just there. in my mind, thinking. how can someone say he/she love you so much and all but at the next moment, you find him/her cheating on you.

i really don't know how to explain that unless that person doesn't love you anymore. or didn't love you from some point onwards. my life has been falling to pieces. late nights, stress, uncomfortable sleeping. i think im falling sick. im gona hit that rock bottom everyone's been saying.

i just put on a mask over me. its stupid i know. how very stupid and idiotic. but i just put it on. its like an automatic kinda thing. when i walk out of this very room, the mask is on. noone knows what goes on inside. the war in my heart. some peopel may ask, why put on a mask? we're all friends, we're here for you. what would you say if i actually do tell you? awwwww. don't be so sad. cheer up! right ok. wow, wheee. everyone has their own things to get upset about, they probably think noone understands. but somehow, i like it when people talking to me about their stuff. i just want to be useful, and i think im only useful in that area. nothing else. when people talk to me, i feel important, needed. like "wow! im actually there for someone. someone sees me for who i am." but that rarely happens anyway. hardly anyone talks to me about their stuff. they prolly think i've a big mouth that would spread. yeah wells.

the sky is dark, the temperature is low and the surrounding is cold. exactly how my heart is right now. see ya.

the last hang up

2006-07-07T01:02:00.000+08:00

"I am tired of this. Just don't ever call me back again."

Those were her last words to me. I've called back more than 10 times. No effect. We're just over.

sour puss?

2006-07-07T00:43:00.000+08:00

Me? Being a sour puss? I mean like what the fuck is with the AH LIAN SHIT?!
A full 15 min of that nonsense i can stand. What i cannot stand is you did not listen to me and I had a terrible ear piercing noise thingy in my head. And I am being called a sour puss.

"Maybe I don't wanna talk to you tomorrow cause you might be a sour puss."

Right. I've been rushing through all my projects at the same time going out with you. And for all that I am being called a sour puss.

Thanks a lot.

emotions

2006-06-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

This feeling of mixed emotions. I just sit there. Wondering what to do. My mind went blank. I just blanked out. I wanted to disappear. I wanted everything to disappear. I've made you more depressed, struggling, being hurt. I've made you cut, smoke, drink behind. Its all me and you know it cause you told me.

I can't help it if you wanna leave cause baby, I've hurt you that much and I am willing to let you go to be unhurt no more. I can't afford you being hurt anymore. Its hurts me more to not know whats hurting you. I just can't take myself for being like that.

I wanna die.

not so us no more.

2006-06-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

This drift. This feeling. This phase. All of this I've felt before. But never in my life have I been pinned down so hard. She's changed. From the good lil girl I knew from the mrt to listening to techno, to clubbing, to tattoos, to kissing other guys, to kissing other girls, to cutting, to smoking. Ah! What the hell.

Problem? "I'm not good enough for you. You always find fault in me."

Is that really the problem?
She isn't good enough? I surely doubt it. Because I'm not good enough. But see the thing is that I don't find fault with her. Its just THERE!
The swearing, the cutting, the closet drinking. I don't know la. Last year seemed so so perfect. The drinking was so minimal, the swearing was very little, the cutting was actually a normal thing but still, beginning of the year was good. Soon it came to the drinking and swearing. ARGH! I don't know. I don't know why's she living her life like that. Worse thing is that its the way she wants to live it. Maybe just for now. She sees it as a fact where every teenager SHOULD experience this. This phase.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. Let her be? Just live with it? How can I? To that extend I love her, I don't want her to screw up her studies. She says she can do it if she wants to. But she's not doing it. The hang up, no goodbyes, no usual 'I love you's. This is called the drifting apart. Last year we were that close. That close to the most loving couple ever. Guess that title came apart this year when we finally gotten together and guess what? We're not suppose to spend as much time as we did last year. What we thought we could do after we gotten together was so ironic. We still couldn't hold hands. We still can't see each other during weekdays, we still cannot do this, do that. ARGH FUCK IT!

As much as I do wanna give, the eagerness to work this relationship out is way so much more. The future that we could share, the future we can have, the future we will be going through together. In her case, maybe I'm not for her now. Maybe its some bad boy, skipping school with her, clubbing all that stuff and then when she finally gets out of that phase then she'll look for me. Man I really do feel so like a toy.

Sometimes I really do. A friend needs company to do this and has no one else for company so I'm called up. Ah wells. Maybe thats all I really am. A toy friend? Called up when needed? If not into the closet I go and no one notices me till they need me again.

I've been nagged twice and over. I'll go off now. Any advices? Please do contact me. Just an email or add the msn.

seriously very confused

2006-06-25T08:51:00.000+08:00

You say if i needed extra cash i could go to you. You say if i needed someone to talk to i could go to you. You say if i had something to ask i could go to you. You say if i wanted anything i could go to you.

I've tried, been there, done that and you know what? I say FUCK YOU!

I've wanted talked to you about my previous stuff and all you did was "What do you want?!"

Ok i get that, it was in the middle of the night. I've went to ask you about something bout my school. All you said you didn't know and thats the way of life.

I've went to you ask you for extra cash cause the month's been really tight and i needed to go out that badly with this best friend of mine, and all you did was lecture me on how to save money and ive been spending it like water.

Sigh ah wells. just a lil screwedup confused kid.

projects

2006-06-20T11:21:00.000+08:00

Well. Its the last week of the hols for every student below the university grade. 2 weeks went past just like that and its the start of term 2. Man. 5 projects to complete, non completed.2 started 3 haven't even touched.

Well like i said, Eldric is coming back this sat and I really seriously cannot wait. Man he's been gone for like 6 mths and so much has happened! Hope he's alright though, he's not really talking to me all that much. Making his good old buds worry the shit for him. Bet he ain't white no more. HAHA.

Gona head on to school later. Finish up my programming and hopefully to draw more stuff. There really isn't much time. I regret playing the whole of last week. Stupid mistake.

SEE YA.

well well well

2006-06-18T22:47:00.000+08:00

It has been sometime since I've blogged. Can't remember what was the last post about.
We've been going through rough patches. Loads of stuff coming up and I can't handle it. I just can't.

We've got so long more to go and I really just can't wait. I want to avoid all these 'not seeing each other' periods and just fast forward.

Eldric is coming back soon. Like real soon. Can't wait. stupid silly him. He's coming back when we all have started school. Ah wells. Still can't wait to see him again.

Cross Disciplinary Subject selection is coming up. Phsycology has been on my mind but, it has been said its difficult so I am not too sure if i should choose it. School's been tough. Projects. Blah Blah Blah.

not worth much

2006-06-11T03:59:00.000+08:00

after so long, you realise, it just takes 5 seconds. 5 fucking secods to crumble the entire night.

been sleeping late. no idea why. done a hell lotsa thinking.

and after 3 whole days in the end we crumbled.

i think im falling down again. way deep down. i don't know

like you said, i spoil you too much

die alastair die.

2 deaths

2006-06-05T06:36:00.000+08:00

2 deaths, i dreamt of last night. i really wouldn't call it a dream. more like a nightmare. a pain, the hurt, the sadness, the tears, all of the feelings you would feel when you're attending the funeral of someone very close to you. or when you watch that person you didn't you'd love so much die infront of you.

it was the deaths of my parents. both in different dreams. My mother got kidnapped, killed. caught the kidnapper but he was put to jail due to his mental instabilities. the anger i felt. funeral was held. i just knelt there crying. i didn't really focus in this one cause i had previous nightmares of the funeral of my mother.

the nightmare of the funeral of my father hit me the hardest. harder than any other nightmare has hit me. i mean, although we're guys, usually father and teenage son don't show much emotion, but between us, there's this very special bond even i don't have with any other. seeing his picture on the coffin in the nightmare, my tears in reality just streamed down. i could feel it. i felt the pain. i couldn't wake up. everyone was saying the Lord's prayer. i just followed. when i found he was dead in the nightmare, i realised how much i actually missed him. the small / big talks he had with me, everything he taught me, the times he'd wanna play tennis with me, his presence, everytime he'd come in the room and my 2 sisters would just shout 'DADDY' and hug him. The death of someone very close. if it isn't as hard as this to take, i think i'd have died if it actually happened.

i think i had these 2 nightmares ( i call it nightmares rather than dreams now) maybe its cause im home and my family is in Malaysia. Its usually like that. Last time i had these kinda nightmares was when i quarrelled with my mom. A dream very similar to this happened. Another was with my grandmother, everyone was slaughtered except me. It kinda sucks to see your entire family die infront of you.

Imagine you didn't tell the people who died who much you love them, how much you cared for them deep inside and you just don't show it. These 3 words ' i love you' means just so so much and yet you couldn't say it and the person passed on. The regret of not saying it would be much more difficult to handle than not saying it. we just take it for granted that everyone wouldn't die so soon.

exams in 2 hours, i hope i can handle it.

still the same.

2006-05-14T22:11:00.000+08:00

i realise even after so long, after the depression shit, i would just be back where i started. i would come back think the same thing. these words in my heart, in my head, no one would know. no one would understand. i dont' want anyone to understand.

let me walk in the pouring rain, wind blowing against me.
this cold lonely feeling inside me, i'd just freeze to death if i stop moving.

sigh a new week of school. a week closer to the submission of my projects and none of them has been started.

the lightning strikes

2006-04-18T22:34:00.000+08:00

you know what. just fuck this. sigh. just fuck it! argh.

EVERYONE HATE ME!

fucked up

2006-04-14T16:12:00.000+08:00

argh. everything is so screwed. this stupid server just lost my post.sigh.

i won't regret dying.

screw this shit.

2006-04-10T23:18:00.000+08:00

argh. after 3 days and im back again. hello depression world. how do you all do.

oh how much pain the arrow brings to my pierced heart.

i don't know. i don't know i don't know i don't know. my heart hurts like hell. i don't wanna breathe. i don't wanna.

i make her sad. and everytime i see her sad, i just wanna die. everytime she sheds a tear, my heart would wanna stop beating. sigh.

my head is spinning round and round. it can't stop. sigh.

hope no one actually read this shit.

alright

2006-04-09T01:06:00.000+08:00

a'ight. im outta depression. thats for sure.

honey got upset with a lot of stuff. glad she's cheered up and all.

loads of drumming today. mann im tired.

I GOT TRASHED IN TENNIS. bleah. well 3 hrs under the sun gave me quite a tan. rushed home took a bath then went out on a date. yeahh.. it was quite nice nice don't you think honey? hahaha. stupid band played the same song over and over at the esplanade. :X no offence! but it was a nice song. church time came, headed over to "Roomful Of Blues"

saw the 2004 4B2/3 gang. mann long time since i've saw em. missed the time playing soccer in school how we had fun saying which class would beat which. ah wells. the pub was really nice. seriously really nice. BLUES music really is nice to hear, those really nice slow ones not the ones with LOUD, HIGH TREBLE with the harmonica or the trumpet playing. a friend on my dad and aunt anne was the special guest that night. he's really really talented in his guitar and his singing is seriously good. if anyone would suggest a song, he would know how to play it, well majority of the songs anyway.

i love the atmosphere and all. it was more for experience. i got pushed up there for the drums. man i sucked! like totally! didn't know what i was doing, just doing what the previous drummer was doing which was quite hard actually. the bass drum was now the high hat, the right cymbal was the tempo and the snare was to keep the music alive. love the other cymbals on the set though. the night really really was nice after church. haven't experienced something like that in a long long long while.

i wanna go again.

btw the song i played was "pride and joy" by Stevie Ray Vaughn.
nice blues song.

well i've gotta sleep. long day.

bullseye

2006-04-07T00:37:00.000+08:00

i think i just fell into the "depression dartboard"

i hate this kinda phases where you just start thinking bout stuff and then you'll think people don't care when they don't talk to you when you put up stupid nicknames or when they don't tag your board.

argh. but funny how it'll go away after awhile. however this depression phase has unlimited time in the human heart. it can come when the signs are there and go whenever it feels like it. nothing and no one can ever make it go away. the cure? commiting suicide, left to be alone. sigh

i seriously hate this. i haven't had fun in a long time i feel. i haven't gone out with my friends. i haven't had fun with my friends. sigh. im just a stupid lil loner, sitting at home infront of the computer or infront of the tv with ps2. i don't even read the books my dad gave. sigh. so useless. so helpless. no one is gona read this till i dont' know when. think by then it'll be gone. but who knows. who gives a shit anyway.

sigh. i wanna go walk alone. feel the cold night breeze by the sea. warming myself over a used bbq pit. just be alone, by myself. sigh.

you stupid lil boy. you know deep inside someone really does care, you just don't know who and how much.

i've created my own prison. the walls of self-pity and depression. the metal bars of hatred and sadness and disappointment. the smelly odour of low self-esteem. sigh. i've locked myself in this. sigh.

sigh

2006-04-06T00:48:00.000+08:00

its weird how you can hear your lovers voice just for 30 secs and your heart melt like ice.

oh baby i didn't hear your voice for a whole 5 min the whole day and i miss you so much.

hearing your voice just now made me wanna run over to wherever you are and hold you in my arms.

i just wanna say, i love you
i just wanna show you how much i care.
cause baby when i look at you, i just wanna hold you close.
don't wanna leave, don't wanna let you,
go.

O M F G!

2006-04-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

oh mann i 've waited so long for this stupid letter, only to know i've got rejected. sigh.

O M G

2006-04-05T14:34:00.000+08:00

mann i've been blogging like no one's business. shld i read a book? hmmm.. ponder ponder. bah..

nothing to do nothing do to.

eesh.. ELDRIC DRAG YOUR ASS BACK TO SINGAPORE YOU STUPID BITCH!

slack-ed

2006-04-05T12:55:00.000+08:00

i hate slacking when there's nothing to do. mann home is so boring when you play ps 2 yourself or when you're just slacking. seriously nothing to do.

tennis this saturday! do i have anything else on? hmmmm.... >.< i doubt so. SO YES! TENNIS! ON SATURDAY! gimme a tag / msn / msg / call if you wanna come! i know ben can't come cause of his post-typhoon camp.

oh mann seriously. nothing to do. bah bah black sheep have you any wool?

no sir no sir nothing's full.

none for you

none for me

none for dad to fry hokkien mee.

hahaha im bored.

no where to go

2006-04-04T21:50:00.000+08:00

man. it rained like hell today. >.< ah wells

im still enrolled in temasek poly and singapore poly hasn't sent me my appeal comfirmation letter yet. ack. when i have finally started school, i'll need to be in 3 CCAs ; strictly said to me by my dad.

campus crusades (christian society), sports , something different. ah wells. so i've no time for 'pa-tou-logy' hahaha.

since someone has convinced me to put up a tag board. i have. sure hope ain't no shit rubbish coming in same as last time.

i smell of rain

confused

2006-04-02T23:13:00.000+08:00

you slapped your daughter in public then call her a slut. i don't know. slap i could try to understand. but slut? i am sorry but i surely hope that the girl i am gona marry won't do that to our daughters. the shame and embarrasment she now has to face.

at first the encouragement to get together but now that encouragement has made a 180 degrees turn into NOT EVER get together ; or break up. ah wells i have no idea what is going on. one moment is this one moment is that. if you do want us to break up, TELL IT TO MY FACE! NOT TORTURE YOUR DAUGHTER!

i lubch euu worx mah deariex

2006-03-28T23:37:00.000+08:00

i missiing euu worx baobeiix

i help euu change template to sometink
PINK and ah lian okiex?

oh gawd.

i'm absolutely disgusted and repulsed
i miss you bunnykins

i lubch euu worx mah deariex

i swear the ah lian bits weren't written by me

i shall stop destroying your sad, depressive blog(:

<3

president of alastair's fan club

2006-03-26T01:05:00.000+08:00

I'M THE PRESIDENT OF ALASTAIR'S FAN CLUB

WHEEEEEEEEEE

i'm so cool(:

i love you so much bunnykins!

<3

CHARIS LOVES YOU MUCHMUCH MUCHIE MUCH(:
mwah

nightmares

2006-03-24T10:12:00.000+08:00

sigh. i hate nightmares. esp those that you are fearful of it happening.

nightmares are bad dreams. bascially just things you wouldn't want to happen in reality. but somehow the nightmare made it seem so real that you get terrified and you would just wanna give up as if it already happens.

i had one last night. sigh. i think it totally is gona ruin my day ahead. me being bad tempered and all. but i still gotta control myself. i've got so many things to do today. man. so busy and so lil time to complete.

if its a nightmare, im just gona so hate today.

tough week

2006-03-14T22:54:00.000+08:00

blood trickled down, the dark red blood never seemed to stop bleeding.
i couldn't stop it from bleeding and at that moment, i just wanted to die.
i can't make things right at all. i can't do things right at all. all i do is half done or a problem would come up.

march really sucked for me so far. i feel so useless staying at home infront of the com/tv. i don't wanna try anymore, i don't wanna do anything anymore. i wanna let go of myself. i can't. im not at that stage where i can punch anyone i see. look at me. plump weak guy with no build, how the fuck would i be able to do things i want.

sigh. fuck this.

hmmm.

2006-03-07T02:24:00.000+08:00

i actually forgotten what i wanted to blog about. hmm. it just slipped my mind. ah wells. another time then. sigh

i look at the sky and envy it as it has the stars for company.
i look at the grass and envy it as it has the trees and animals for company.
i look at my parents, sisters grandparents and envy them cause they've got someone they love so much sleeping with them.

i just felt this way after reading ben's blog. i don't know why. i wana give up. on my life. thats it.

untitled.

2006-03-07T02:03:00.000+08:00

Sunday was hectic. i woke up really late, stuck on the couch with the ps 2 controller in my hand till bout 4 plus. met with me o'niel and teacher for dinner. well. dinner was o'niel and me. but he came later. i found out what i was doing wrong. i wasn't taking advantage of the courses offered by the polys. it was right there in front of me and i didn't even see it. so o'niel stayed over, a couple of hours on the tv again. till bout morning then a train with ben along to sp. its kinda fast actually but the sun decided to scorch us all. queue was long for the appeal. cut it with some guy from our school who was in the middle. just went in, filled out a form that i was elligible for and handed it in. so stupid. ah wells brought all the documents for shit. turned out that 26 point courses decided to drop this yr to about 18-22. so screwed. so the course that i was looking forward to? i couldn't go. damn i felt like shit. ah wells. so another course which i don't think anyone i know would be going. met up with the 2 at some canteen deep in the school. i realised how big the school can be. lol. stupid food wasn't even consumeable. the chicken i had was hard, oily and tasteless. Ben was happy to finish it up.

after leaving the school in my super high mode of no sleep, we decided to bus it to BTP to have some pool. ben's sense of direction really is screwed up -.-'. missed our bus and took the next. sigh. zororina. hurr. >.<. that was damn shit funny. hahaha. i sure laughed a hell lot today. its funny that when o'niel is around, our laughing days start to rise. thats when the sec 4 days are. we just laughed our asses through.
pool was alright. Marcus Tan decided to show up and we played loser punched. In the end he paid for the 1 and 1/2 hour when he only played half hour. haha. damn we're mean. ben wanted to play the ps2 so we headed to my place. for shit reason the bus 67 decided to appear just as we said that we would run for it if it turns up. sure enough it did and ben ran off leaving me behind struggling with my bag, jeans which became loose (i don't know why) and my shoe which came off. stupid bus decided to pause there for a whole 5 secs maybe giving us a glimpse of hope to catch it. i pulled my last drop of strength into making the last 10m dash but the driver drove off. sure as hell i ran after it pointing my 2 fingers in the air and yelling out vulgarities like no one's business. i was breathless, thirsty, hot and tired. ben was just thirsty and hot. sigh. sat at the bus stop talking. somehow ben didn't see the bus coming and just when i saw it i said SHIT! and ben was like OH MY GOD we ran for it to stop it. sigh. sure ran a lot. got seats in the bus and being tired as i was, i slept. handed ben my mp3 so he wouldn't be bored then i fell asleep. man i had neck cramps when i woke and i was still sweaty. stupid air con didn't work proper.

well ps2 was quite boring actually as expected. ben left arnd 6 and me? i came online for a while then turned in soon after. ah wells and i woke up cause it was so freaking cold. anyway. back to the point i was blogging about. in the next post.

the dark sky

2006-03-04T03:02:00.000+08:00

sigh. past few days really isn't good at all. my posting suck.

temasek poly, internet and multimedia. wtf? that was like my bloody 8th choice. sigh.
right now onwards i don't know what to do with my life AT ALL! i really don't.

sigh. i can't do this, i can't do that. sigh. i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight. and and so many things i've to do. and so little time to do those things. sigh.

saw the ex today. stupid chicken ran off behind the counter. ah wells. tried talking to her a 2nd time but again backroom. ben was with me. frankly speaking he looks good just that the way he behaves, sure doesn't go with his looks.

Pink Panther was really stupid. stupidly funny. ah wells. i don't know why, i wasn't laughing whole-heartedly at all. hmmm. sigh.

you know something? i am hopeless.

i love you

2006-03-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

i love you

very very very much(:

hugs and kisses
charis

alastair leong bing liang

2006-02-26T23:44:00.000+08:00

aiyohhhh
46 posts only?
tsktsktsk

you ought to blog more often darling!
aren't i nice?
blogging for you(:

alastair leong --

[adjective]:

Like in nature to a banana peel

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

i thought this was rather cute

alastair leong bing liang --

[noun]:

A hard-core grave robber

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

this is funnier though
haha

<3
you know you love me!
and you don't walk alone!
your ever cuutest darling(:

lost

2006-02-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

am totally lost. i don't know what i want to achieve in life anymore. this great wall between us, higher, longer, thicker than the Great Wall of China.

went back to work at Polo Ralph. Sales stuff. not very cheap still. was super tired after that. didn't really eat dinner nor lunch. ah wells. i'll be working from Sunday to Wednesday straight. thats when the sales end.

sigh. i had a bad dream last night. and i don't think it'll be over it anytime soon. it kinda hurts dreaming bout your loved one gone. within a flash. and when you awake. you realise how important they are to you and you just wanna hug them tight telling them you love them so much and grateful for all the things they've done for you. sigh. it really sucks to have had a dream of that. and the whole day nothing else i thought of but that. sigh. whether i would see this particular person when i get home. i swear when i saw that person i could hug that person on the spot. sigh. but i didn't. i just didn't.

sigh. i'm so tired. tired of all the rubbish coming into my life. sigh.

results

2006-02-10T21:15:00.000+08:00

well. the results are finally out. all shitty stuff

English : C6
Mathematics : B3
Principles Of Accounts : A2
Humanities (SSH) : C5
Combined Sciences (P + C) : B4

sigh. all shit stuff. but still, thank God i just made it! its really really not terrific. im really disappointed in myself but at the same time i could see this coming.

20 pts and no where to go. business schools would fill up really fast. IT would be 2nd choice. so im not really sure. ACCA is kinda appealing to me. but yeahh i don't know.

im super tired from last night "can't sleep" trauma. i only slept at 4.38am due to the nervous-ness, anxious-ness of today's occasion. people celebrating. 3 people had 4 dist and 3 people going JC. sigh. i was hoping for one more dist for my math. im so so disappointed. but no point grieving over it. might as well just move on in life.

start anew. whew. >.<

cooped

2006-02-05T11:30:00.000+08:00

this blog is dead as ever. a month went pass and it felt like nothing. results are coming out in 5 days. its so shitty this year. i don't know what is wrong. i feel so constrained to my home. i don't wanna go out anymore. i don't wanna spend cash on dates /outings whatever. i just feel like sleeping forever and not waking up.letting the world go past me.

loads of trouble cropped up lately. so screwed up. its due to me. im the reason for such screw ups. if my results come out not as i want it to be, i don't know what to do. i won't know what to do. sigh.

2006

2006-01-03T22:49:00.000+08:00

obviously this blog is about dead.

happy new year.

spent it at macs? haha. yeap and its 2006. people still thinks its 2005. haha

school started for everyone else today. yeap. went to town to get my job application and saw people in school uniform. couldn't help but laugh.

got the job at Polo Ralph Lauren at Isetan Lido. Thanks to wei wen from his reccomendation. pay is really good. uh huh but long hours. haha. formal wear and stuff. i start tomorrow. money come!

hmmm.. new year this year. suddenly feel scared of my coming results. ah wells. it'll come real quick.

shall end here. working full shift. 10-10 mann. tiring. haha ciaoz

back and its christmas

2005-12-25T03:21:00.000+08:00

got back from perth 4 days ago. it was nice and cool over there.

summer happened but aussies said it was cold for a summer and i agreed. pretty fun. but spent a hell lotta cash. 1st two days went by slow but the other days were kinda fast. wished singapore had that kind of weather. ah wells.too many flies. buzzing around your face, past your eyes.

glad to be back again. =D missed my bed, room, computer, guitar, someone. ah wells.
party happened 2 nights ago. it was ok. yeap.

its christmas now. i don't feel the same excitment as i felt past yrs. i don't know why. its just yay. its christmas ok so now what? that kinda thing.

i needa work but i don't feel like workin. my boss is getting kinda irritated with me cause i refuse to turn up. selling this shit really sucks. haha. i needa find another job. a job with sufficient and basic pay. yes yes.

all i want for christmas is you

btw. i got amazing presents this yr. round 2 later on. =D

that bad huh?

2005-12-12T00:50:00.000+08:00

ah wells. i just felt like blogging all of a sudden.

i didn't think it would be that bad. i guess it'd be much better if i was alone not knowing anything. just minding my own business.

yeah. that bout it.

3 am im still up

2005-12-02T02:50:00.000+08:00

hello hello. its almost 3 and im still up. why the hell am i still up you might ask?

well i don't know. my bed just doesn't look veerry nice to me now. hahaa. i don't feel like sleeping. mann bored bored bored. it sucks when the hols come and there's no money. haha

well exams are over. don't feel like anything is being lifted up. just spend each day like every other day except no more studying. haha.

job at cisco starts tmr. hahaha. gona get the cisco badge thingy. hurr. shld i look for another job?? i don't know.

christmas is coming up. like 23 days time or smth like that? im leaving for Perth 15th Dec 00.00 and arriving on 21st Dec 12.00. hmmm.. nice times to arrive and depart. hurr.

ahhh.. im bored bored bored. nice to see old friends and go out again. missed the group outings and stuff. oh wells. i feel like playing pool. argh. CASH FALL FROM THE SKY WILL YA?! mann.. B.R.O.K.E

someone willing to sponsor me during the hols pls drop an email or smth. hahaa.
alright i think i shall stop blogging here. i just felt i shld blog since its been sometime.

yeahh. maybe i shall go on stoning infront of the computer. hurr.

laterss

a night without sleep

2005-11-13T09:36:00.000+08:00

well last night got me thinking after that post. thought it was kinda stupid. i mean if there're people out there much worst than me. how can i be complaining? ah wells..

right. anyway. new year's resolution! hurr.

will try never to be.... er.. no no. will try NOT to be depressed.
even if something really really bad happens. i shall stay calm and see that the world is still spinning and im still where i am.

ah wells. physically last night i was aslseep. but my mind wasn't. when my body awoke. i felt like i haven't really slept at all. i don't know why. ah wells. church is holding this chalet thing later on. not sure if i shld go knowing it'll end late and all. and exam tmr. sooo.. ah wells.

all you lucky people don't take chinese B have an extra long weekend. haha. ah wells. nice morning today. yes yes. gona enjoy it.

empty road.

2005-11-13T00:31:00.000+08:00

as i stood holding my guit on my back just now. i stared at the empty road. vic was just finishing his cigarette and i was starting to flag for a cab. somehow the empty road we were on just somehow reminded me of how i was feeling. some how i would've felt the best lying on that road. no idea why.

cars with configured engine and stuff zoomed past, motorcyclists who intended on ending their life early sped past. stupid head lights starting flashing as they came near. i couldn't stand it. i felt like shouting. felt like throwing everything away and just walk off. walk by myself. not knowing where to go, not knowing what am i doing.

sigh. this week has been shit for me. seriously. Os have been terrible. papers were super easy and yet i couldn't do it properly. seriously. full of crap. argh. one more week to go. fatigue. i really don't know how to express how im feeling right now on this online typing thing where everyone reads.

i think if one really stared hard into the dark sky at night with just a single moonlight there. or when its gona rain really heavy but there's still light in the area. or stare at this long alley where its dim with puddles of left over rain and cockroaches running here and there along with those dirty rats. think thats how im feeling. sigh

although worship was really great. i really did enjoy myself. but. they cld've done better if i wasn't there. i really felt that. ah wells. guess im just gona slack at home. not gona do anything bout my life but just rot in my room with everything else in it. sigh.

this vacuum im floating in. its non-gravity makes me loose my senses.
this blurred picture of me. no one can ever make it clear, to find the true meaning of the blurness

im just blabbing bullshit. forget it.

screw it

2005-11-01T22:57:00.000+08:00

argh. screw this shit. i cant take one more bit of myself anymore.

sigh. i think i shld disappear. maybe for real this time. become a hermit. yeah. i think i shld. maybe thats the thing i need. or maybe thats the thing everyone wants. no no. its what everyone wants.

its not your fault. im just screwed up.

3 more weeks.

2005-11-01T21:28:00.000+08:00

well. 6 more days. ah wells. then after 2 weeks till the end. hurr.

been studying more lately. im glad to say that. yeahh

did all my math papers today. sad to say all aint complete. haha. 6 hrs math tuition tmr. hurr. O LEVELS!! COME ON!!!

hurr. quick go through!!

cold-er?

2005-10-25T22:06:00.000+08:00

the air con became cold all of a sudden.

lonliness crept up slowly. i realised i'm way behind time. everyone is bumming their ass off studying and here i am just staring at my books.

sigh. i don't even know what the hell i'm doing. i should be mugging. studying my ass off. sigh. i just wanna lock everything outta my head. sleeping through the stormy night. forgetting who i am. be no one.

cause no one actually care. do they?

he came back today. all i could do was say hi and gave him a hug. its strange. having him back. sigh. think my life is almost the same situation as my table. a mess.

this stupid shit feeling of lonliness. how can i ever feel secure? i don't know what to do. i really don't. i'm lost behind everyone. so far behind.

what can i do?

i've created my own prison

deeper level

2005-10-24T00:08:00.001+08:00

love the new layout. done by chris. you can find her in the credits section.
new song to go with it. total match

btw. this is what i am.

nite.

My Own Prison

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally

Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

[Guitar break]

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

cant take it.

2005-10-21T07:25:00.000+08:00

my head has been throbbing for 3 days now. sigh. and i feel like shit. cold weather past few days. and i've not been eating. feel so lifeless. been stuck in my room. not going anywhere. being kept away from civilisation.

the major exams are coming in 3 weeks time. studies have been going on. hope i've been studying enough for my Os.

you feel something that has pressure on your head. its sucking your brains internally. you feel like you could kill yourslef.

sci prac was ok. not too good, not too bad. might pass might fail. argh. going to be cooped up in my room again today. not wanting any visitors coming in nor me going out.

leave me alone.

un-understandable?

2005-10-12T19:28:00.000+08:00

un-understandable? no one can ever ever understand this mixed feelings of fear, anger, confusion, sadness, negativness. no one. sigh. i don't know how or why. sigh. im damn useless. cant even shit study for 3 weeks. just 3 more weeks to one of the most important events in my teenage life and im not doing anything. sigh.

feel damn lost, useless. sigh. i wanna let go. just let go everything. free fall. to ground zero. sigh.

alone

2005-10-05T20:09:00.000+08:00

i walked into this dark dark room. looking for people. familiar faces just at least one.even if its someone i don't like. but i don't. i just couldn't find anyone. i sat down. this lonely feeling crept deep in me. im just myself. thats all.

sigh. tmr's the day. sigh. how am i gona face the rest of the days. i don't know. played tennis with im today. realised how much i need him. even though i said i don't but deep inside i knew. i prayed that i wouldn't have to leave him or he leave me. but tomorrow. he's gona go. for how long i don't know. but i know i'll pray for him. just to protect him. sigh. i don't know if anyone knows what im feeling. this just sucks.

Os coming up. my prelims sucked like shit. im disappointed. and i cant do anything bout it. got much worse things to worry about. sigh. why did you have to listen to your stupid friends. and in the end you got into shit. sigh. each time i think bout you. all the flashbacks both good and bad come to. and i cant stop thinking bout em. its just there. sigh.

Dear Lord,
please Lord, whatever happens tomorrow please help me and him be strong. Help everyone be strong. Just be with us Lord. How we need you so so much. Be with him. The upmost special rolemodel in my life. Let him know that I love him so very much even for all the stupid and nasty things I've done to piss him off. I need your forgivenss and his Lord. I don't know how to face tomorrow. I just don't. sigh. Help me Lord and bless that man who brought me up. Thank you Lord.
In Your name I pray.
Amen

beaten

2005-09-27T22:22:00.000+08:00

i look in the mirror. know what i see? a guy who's trying his best to make everyone happy at the same time making himself happy.

turns out. everyone is happy just the way it is. and this stupid ass just hadta come and make things worse. who's he? its me.

i look in the mirror. know what i see? a loser who's trying to be the best. who's he? its me.

turns out. a loser is a loser. i look at the world. it just turns its back on me. sigh.

O's are coming up. what the hell am i doing. thinking of dropping down a million stories.

everytime you cut, it cuts a million more times in my heart.

banged my head against the wall just now. hurt like crap. i feel like shit. useless shit. sigh.

think its the end of me.

sucha screw up.

2005-09-20T23:39:00.000+08:00

so much for being it one of those days where i get to enjoy. i just couldn't take it. with the exams coming, stress is piling up. the need to study is there but the action isn't taking place. sigh. days just go pass and i just stone pass it. nothing is bringing me back to reality. sigh. what a stupid f**cked up way to end the day. sigh. i need loads of sleep. rest. im tired. tired of the days in school. tired of the stress. tired of the homework. sigh. i wanna run away again. just myself.

just me so i won't be able to screw anyone else's life up. fuck it. i hate this part of the year. the exams are coming the brain explodes but the body cant do anything about it. so damn stupid.

i just wanna let go. just keep falling. falling into my own result. maybe it'll be a hard thud. i don't know. sigh .

im sucha screw up.

no new template.

2005-09-11T16:32:00.000+08:00

ok here's the thing. no nice good template. zZz. wish i knew how make my own but oh wells.

this'll just hafta do. =\ heh. see ya.

thoughts

2005-09-11T15:54:00.000+08:00

well its fun to see how a lil 5 year old could talk "sense" into an older person. and i mean a much older person.
having fun these few days. not knowing the start of term 4 is tmr, and realised that my prelim results would be back tmr. hahaha. im so screwed. oh wells.

i looked back on my entire week of studyless holiday. how it went past so fast. from the start of the year till now, its so so fast. now its September its gona be October then November then Decemeber then new year! mann. so fast.

much faster than faster

i think im gona change my layout. anyone to help with original template? =D haha. yeahh. i'll change it then i'll blog agian.

laters.

nobody understands

2005-09-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

This feeling of left out.
Everyone dines happy and without care.
While I just sit there.
just wanna escape this world.
Leaving everything behind.
Not taking anything with me.
I wanna be left alone.
One and only me living.
Maybe i should leave.
sigh. The world all dark around me.
Walls closing in.
Slowly I breathe my last.
Leaving behind my entire past.
Red blood slowly drips into the entire pool.
Ripples formed immediately.
My eyes close slowly with the life fading out.
Guess this is it.
Nothing more I've experienced is suffering.
Goodbye.

was typing this text out during some dinner thing. i don't know why i felt like that. sigh. maybe t'was just some thing i thought about i guess. just outta the blue. felt so so so depressed. falling into this deep deep black hole. sucking my life out. let it just fade away. you see all sad memories. happy moments. gone. and you lie there. dying. sigh.

im sucha let down to everyone. talk about studying hard this year. (yeah right) sigh. i look as the world go pass. everyone else just seem happy leading their life as it is. its like if they cant do anything about it, they just let it be. why is it like that? mann to give up like that? just maybe i don't belong at all.

don't fit in. im probably a lower species. the mistake. i don't know. sigh.

thank you for loving me

2005-09-04T21:09:00.000+08:00

It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Repeat chorus

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Solo

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Repeat chorus

When I couldn't fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me,
For loving me

cold, dark, lonely.

2005-09-04T18:20:00.000+08:00

weather has been like that for 2 days. its so cold. sigh. just wanna walk in the rain alone. walking in the middle of the road, hoping not to be one of those people who get "hit and run". this is how pathetic i can be, by just calling myself it. just wallowing myself in self pitty.

life has been dark lately. no spirit of life. no movement at all spiritually. just looked at my past posts. seems like i lead a depressing life. lil sparks here and there. no long-term happiness. sigh. days of my life just go. day after day the will to live on diminishes.

the floor so cold, so bare. lying there without a bed. no blanket. no one with you.

you just feel like dying.

spaced out?

2005-08-17T17:15:00.000+08:00

mann.. the day is going pass so fast and i've not touched my books. failed my chinese. shit la. hoped least i got a pass for oral.. but nooooo stupid teachers gave me a bloody ungraded. stupid ass teachers. oh wells.

prelims have been ok so far. english totally sucked mann. like every answer must be so damn detailed...?? wtf? sigh. POA was totally screwed... stupid turnover stuff. mann... all the stuff i mugged didn't come out. chem and phy were ok. not too difficult yet not too easy. tricky stuff. haha. SS was ok too. hahaha. wasn't too sure on certain stuff though.. hmmm.. there's 2 more math and history. ah wells. zZz.

I'VE TO STUDY HISTORY!! AND IM SLACKING! blahh... sent my guit for modifications(no idea how ta spell it). yeahh. hahaha. im going to be broke. broke broke broke!! bleahh... long morning. haha. woke up damn early la. haha.

1 week hols for me till thurs.! hahaha. be jealous ya'll hahhaa. wed eng oral. have total confidence. unless the teachers don't like me like those shit chinese women. blahhh..

alright. signing off now.

lonely feelings please go away. please do.
God. send someone to take em away. please.
all these sucky and shitty stuff. go away!

the end is near?

2005-08-09T11:46:00.000+08:00

well well. 2 more days to THE big day. SS prelims on thursday. followed by accounts paper 2 with sci prac on fri. zZz. must get down to thee books. heh. will start later.

recently, i've picked up the habit of looking at clouds. don't know why. maybe i just wanna be like them. carefree. just float around. covering the sun for people who doesn't need it. and just rain on them when they need it. clouds. just so nice to watch em. sunset clouds, after rain clouds, sunrise clouds, or mainly just normal clouds that look nice. hmmm. just so light, white, and free.

if only life was like that. don't need to worry bout anything. just be there for people. thats all. no studies. no money. just the existence.

sometimes the day is just right for you to walk in sneakers, put on yer earphones with music and just walk and sing to yourself. walking under the sun wih frequent interruptions of the shadows from the trees. walking to no where. just hoping the whether would be cooling. not like singapore. so hot making you perspire. heh. wish i could move OUTTA HERE (singapore). yeahh.. oh wells. hafta wait. wait wait wait. zZz. till after NS. WHEE.

man i just realised. this is one of my non-sad posts. hahaa. got to go. gona have jamming session. laters.

time\\

2005-08-04T20:20:00.000+08:00

sigh. things now are so much similar to last time. and i don't know how to handle it.

==//lonliness

2005-08-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

i hate this feeling. just tonight. i felt extremly lonely. i just felt my presence. no one else. no other feelings. thats it. just me. don't know why. sigh.

things have been complicated. real complicated. and i don't think anyone would be able to understand.

things you'll never understand. no one ever will.

sigh. prelims are coming like damn fast. think im gona screw it up. sigh. feeling lethargic these few days. no idea why.

Empty apartment

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes you forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening now
Can't you see something's missing?
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say its okay
It's okay
It's okay

this song has been stuck in my head. no idea why. sigh.

i cant let you go. ever.

i just wanna be held tightly. knowing you're there. but you're not. sigh.

[untitled]

2005-07-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

well. i tried to be happy. oh i tried so hard. i tried not to think negatively for the past few days. but no. sadness, anger, anxiety, hatred all comes in again. sigh. am i really that bad?

if i am. i wish for all the people i know to block me ever. stop talking to me. all i do is ruin yer moods. get you all upset just cause i am. sigh.

the tears cannot come cause its dry.

sigh. i don't know what am i to do with my life. sigh.

the family is ruined. family ties are gone. like a snap from the fingers. friendship ties broken. within a blink of an eye. sigh.

maybe alastair leong shldn't exist?

2005-06-26T21:52:00.000+08:00

sigh. bad things. are my fault. it is. even if it doens't involve me, it is my fault. why? cause of my existence. i was never meant to be alive. way back when i was about 4 mths in the womb, doctor told my parents that i cant live in this world. i'll probably suffer. but noooo parents believed that i would make a difference. yeah. i did make a difference.

a bad one.

i was one of the worst babies anyone could live with. the worst. now im the most difficult person to ever be with. maybe if i didn't exist alot of stuff wouldn't have happened. and everyone would be good and there won't be corruption in this stupid world. sigh. exist. if i could only exist in my own life. not other people's lives.

the friends i have, all suffer cause i do.

faith = trust?

2005-06-25T10:50:00.000+08:00

well i don't know why i felt like blogging. but last night's dream got me thinking.

shan't describe the dream. have faith in someone not doing this particular thing or to trust someone? which.?

how can i trust someone who betrayed my trust over and over again. but all these are small lil things but hurts me deeply. sigh. can i have the "faith"? to "trust" that someone again?

in the Oxford Dictionary, Faith - a strong belief esp without proof. Complete confidence and trust.
Trust - Confidence in the truth, reliability, etc of a person or a thing.

what to have? sigh. how am i to handle this situation? i trust that person. but still does that thing. each time i hear about it i get upset. but. ARGH! this isn't getting anywhere. f*** screw it. shan't bother.

bye

stupid paranoia

2005-06-21T23:28:00.000+08:00

hmmm. wondering why am i even blogging? guess i got so caught up with everything and everyone around i didn't have time for myself?

sigh. paranoia. i hate it. (i think im using it wrongly). being paranoid sucks. it just s makes me going on thinking bout stuff. in the end. it'll all end up with me. sigh. once i start thinking, i'll ask questions. and these certain questions would annoy people. esp when its asking the older ones. i hate me. thats it. i cant stand to like/love myself. people would start critising me cause of the low self-esteem. some of em don't even care. well why should they care? they shouldn't. no one should. see. paranoia again. stupid thing at work.

argh. sigh. i'll just have people to hate me. then leave me all alone.

"Loneliness knows me by name."

sigh. im feeling screwed. no one cares. no one would wanna care. i can't die. not now. not ever. a special promise. hmmmm. oh wells. suffer in this life. i guess.

unknown

2005-05-31T20:39:00.000+08:00

i don't know why, but i just felt like blogging. oh wells. im bored. past few days been mugging for chinese like i've never before. in the end. nth i knew came out. sigh. im having that feeling of having a screwed life. sigh.

you will be in the dark side when lost you are

yoda said that in episode 3. well. i do feel lost. sigh. dark. sigh. grounded till Os. not allowed out for movies or anything else. just study and study. argh. stupid ass. you know who you are. got me into this. sigh. run run run run run run.

silent death

unwanted help

2005-04-24T11:24:00.000+08:00

i guess everything i try to help in i always screw up. or at least most of the time. 3 different events i tried to make people happy. ended up, i made things worst. sigh. its just my nature to want to help people whome life's in mine. just people i care about.

so as to speak, maybe i have this refinery of care, concern and love coming always coming outta me. seems that certain people around need help from what i see. however said they were ok. how am i to help. sigh. i'd rather carry other people's burdens than let them carry it cause, if they do, they won't be the "happy" people i know. for me to not be apprieciated or not loved, not cared for, its normal so i could say i've been through most lonely times. being through much emotional breakdown and struggles, i guess after all that i've grown stronger. but then i face the fact where certain groups of people rather not me carry their burden or much the fact allow me to care at all. sigh. people would say "why don't youo mind your own business. go study or smth." how can i? see people being sad, confused, disturbed, its just my nature to want to ask. not that im a busybody or anything. i just wanna help even if i cant i'll make sure i can. thats one thing for sure. thats one thing i hate about myself. giving unwanted help. once asked, i cant back off. once i've gathered enough evidence that the person is bothered, i'll ask. i don't know why. it'll either just be bottled up inside me or i'll keep asking. sigh.

i don't know if this unwanted help thing in me will be a good thing in the future cause its really not helping for anyone now. each time this unwanted help thing comes out, i either made the situation worse or make the person feel worse. sigh. im sucha screw up. CA is starting tmr. and what the hell am i doing?! sitting infront of the com. sigh. i've got no motivation to do anything. even if i take up my books i'll just stare at em. not abe to study at all.

sigh. this post sucks just like any other. how am i to improve? prayer. can prayer really work in my life? so far, people whom prayed for me, none of it came true. or i think i hasn't. i don't see it. i don't feel it. sigh. keeping the faith. i envy those people whom dedicate their life to God so much. i cant have that commitment. i don't have it. even on how much i want to, it just seems impossible. sigh.

a thing i hate most. being a burden to other people. people would just say im paranoid and all. but i do feel it. a burden to my parents. a burden to friends. burden to family. sigh. if this unwanted help is not needed in this society or in this group of people i care about, then what reason is there for me to live? 24th January 2005 i've made a pact with myself saying, reason for me to be alive is to help people in anyway i can. however looks like its back firing. so why bother living for me? with a burden lifted off people, a less irritant in the world or in this society. why not? live for the sake of living. i hate the way i behave. sigh. dying. sleeping is such a silent death if you don't wake up at all. i think people would just have to forget about me. existing at all. wouldn't be that difficult since an irritant is gone. sigh.

so many things to type out. so many thoughts running through my head. each time i look out the window, i climb out. sitting at the ledge. sigh. free falling then gone. painfull death it'll be. guess last night wasn't much of a night after all. sigh. a slice across the throat would sound fine. or a stab in the stomach. never fainted in my life. passing out never happened either. imgaine passing out one day, not saying goodbye to family, friends, loved ones. passing out and not waking up. sigh. how hurtful it'll be for people who actually care. but exception here. a lonely house for 6 filled with just me. sigh. life is like a train going through a dark tunnel. not knowing what's infront. right now. my train is broken down. railroad is uncompleted. a gigantic hole around 10 m ahead. sigh. a hole which leads to know where. you just keep falling and falling. been blogging for half hour sigh. whats my purpose in this world? i thought it'd be helping people. but looks like it aint. facts which proved it. maybe one day, i shall just change my name, change everything. forgetting everyone. just be a lonely person. just die alone. peaceful. with no one caring. sigh.

bye.

the failure to be? maybe

2005-04-20T22:44:00.000+08:00

just saw my results on the PTS thing.. it really suck shit.. argh.. cant believe it.. i admit i didn't put 100% hardwork into it.. but.. having every single subject failed... makes me feel so screwed and so useless..

i know i aint useless.. im sure stupid. sigh. i need to study. CA is next week and boy im screwed.. still have loads to cover.. and what am i doing?! playing com... ARGH! i ought to have a slap on my face... i ought to give my life up.. i don't know why.. sigh..

a time where all confidence go down the drain.. where can i get it back from... how can i get it back.. i just wanna let go of all the burdens i have.. every single one of em.. so i can jump...

i so miss jumping.. jumping while singing.. sigh.. to jus lift my hands.. sweating it all out.. jumping.. sigh..

to let go.

the un-explained

2005-04-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

feelings. i've learnt usually ego, pride is used to cover one's true self from others. is it true i wonder. and so i'll wonder. feelings, thoughts, ideas, just rushing through my head as of now to blog about this un-explained erm, experience. or so you could call it. a word where i don't know how to describe.

trying to console, consult, help people to cope with their feelings, love life, help people to look at life differently is what i wanna do. however. ego, a mask to cover one's true identity. i realise, to help someone, that person must first help him/herself. maybe deep down, these people with such 'ego' have a deep deep down sad emotion waiting to be released to someone who can take that burden and trust.

still, many things rushing. i'll just conintue another time. so lil time left yet so many things to be written. nites

the recent

2005-04-11T14:40:00.000+08:00

hmmm... back from school.. haven't been blogging i know.. XD hahaha.. anyways.. erms.. i don't know why.. but i finally know i have to study.. and for once im gona do it.. hahaha.. these few days have been fun.. hahaha.. actually made new friends i hope.. XD uh huh... yeap yeap.. anyways.. gtg study now..

--the cold feeling

2005-04-02T22:59:00.000+08:00

each day passes... i get the cold feeling from everyone.. its like i've got some diseases or smth... o wells.. maybe its just my paranoiya.. (forgive me for incorrect spelling.. cant be bothered)

its like 11.05pm and for once im feeling tired.. o wells... not physically. but.. mentally.. yeah.. hmmms... i feel.. i don't know.. i feel i ruined alot of lives..

pensive was the word to describe how i was feeling.. i guess... if thats how u use that word.. hmmms... thoughts running through my head.. in fact.. now as well..

just don't know what to put down and what not to put down.. if i put down smth bad.. pple wld ask me wad happened and stuff.. or maybe they wouldn't.. i don't know.. but.. i won't put any.. yeah..

i wanna run away.. just run away.. from everything.. i don't know y.. but.. yeah..

i don't know whats wrong with me.. 1 moment i want to feel the care of pple.. i want to feel loved.. another moment.. i don't want it.. cause i don't deserve it.. i don't deserve anything in my life.. i don't know why.. but i just know so.. oh wells.. don't worry my life ain't screwed.. i feel i need to help pple.. so yeah..

thats it for now.. i guess... ja'ne

something to say.. outta nothingness.

2005-03-13T14:34:00.000+08:00

"There's somthin' I wish I could say. I should say it everyday, but sometimes things get in the way, and i think that you should know it. And if, you should ever go away, I could never be the same. I love you more than words can say, and I sometimes fail to show it. You help me, keep smilin' keep shinin', knowin' I can always count on you, for sure. Thats what friends are for."

friends. a part played by many people to be counted on when needed. thats my meaning for friends. how ever in the dictionary of "Longman dictionary of contemproary english" it is said "someone who you like very much and like to spend time with." is it really so? so if you need to count on someone... what would that person put under?

carnival was yesterday.. super tired.. i stayed over at Eldric's house on fri night.. Eldric and Othniel slept at 2.30?? i stayed up and read Archie till 3.30 den fell asleep... Eldric woke up at 4.45.. Othniel and I woke up and 5.10.. prepared.. and left for school at 5.20.. went to Old airport road to get breakfast.. after that.. headed on to school.. ate breakfast.. started to fill that tank.. pail after pail.. i think 4 pails.. great teamwork from everyone.. the hose was from the toilet..

we all had fun.. sure it was disorganise and all.. but.. i think this was one of those memories to be fond of and no one can ever destroy it.. esp the coke bathe cum orgy in the pool.. XD heh.. fun eh? Jolyn mei dunked me.. maine paid $44 to dunk me completely.. XD.. saw many old friends.. yeah.. Eldric lost his voice though.. should see him.. totally red and all.. so different from his body.. but me? i still look the same with a totally dark brown face.. XD heh.. o wells.. had the "dinner" at the Lions Nursing home for the Elderly.. had thai food.. but Eldric and I had a bit of a sore throat from advertising.. so.. we passed.. nice meeting new friends.. yeah.. sent mei home.. and once i got home.. i downloaded naruto, watched, den slept.. woke up at 7++? to go WOE however i was not needed. soo i skipped it.. watched Prince of Tennis.. ate breakfast.. till bout 9++? den fell asleep again.. jus woke up. feels really really good.. was super tired on sat night.. yeah.. tmr have school.. =( study camp.. so cant really use that com.. soo.. msg me!! bye.. ja'ne...

"In the silent darkness of the night, when felt consumed by tears & nothinness.. call me. Because I promise I'll be there. I'll kiss away your tears and stay with you."

if you think these both phrases are qouted by me.. they aint. soo.. yeah.. XD bye.

i walk alone, with music>

2005-03-08T20:39:00.000+08:00

trying to learn some new stuff on guit to ENHANCE worship.. sigh.. I NEED THAT ENCOUNTER!! REAL FAST!! o wells.. =( funfair is coming up.. real soon.. and im so so tired and stressed.. tests.. staying back for funfair.. ARGH STRESS!! sigh... i needa DE-STRESS!

~haunting `of - boredom, lonliness, stress

2005-03-02T19:53:00.000+08:00

feeling alone for the pass 2 days ever since that incident.. sigh..

is that alright for me to feel lonely..? i just don't know why.. i jus wanna run.. have everlasting stamina and run.. -yech ever...lasting.. that word is slowly disappearing from my dictionary.. what a wonderful word.. but.. gone within jus a few days.. till the end of next year im living under the life of my parents..

after my 18th birthday of 2006 July.. i'll be able to suffer like no1 ever did.. lead my life with no one to be with me.. to lead a life of lonliness... thats it...
shit im crapping.. ARGH!! ARGH!!!!!!!!! cant any1 ever understand how i feel.. sigh..
im rotting my life away by using the com.. DISTURBING PEOPLE ONLINE sigh.. i don't know..

i remembered from FCBC, the pastor said.. "if you find life a like a routine, you've got no life at all.."

guess i've got no life.. heh.. a routine.. go home from school.. use the com till nite.. bathe.. use it(com) till sleep.. isn't my life boring.. no1 to go out with.. sigh.. i think im stressed...

IM FAILING EVERYTHING SINGLE THING IN SCHOOL!!!!

my life is really screwed...

*{---presence of the Lord~~

2005-02-27T15:41:00.001+08:00

went ta Vinyard Singapore yesterday.. the music was jus great.. really great.. it jus felt so right..

plan ta lead worship for young vines next week.. jus feel smth speaking to me.

after vineyard.. went ta Jazz At Southbridge again. got a mocktail.. again.. hahaha... onli de 2 of us.. den somehow the stupid waiter gave us the bill of $62.15.. im like WTH?! omg.. de 2 drinks onli cost like $10 each.. den cuz got tickets that nite for the 2 bros.. one drummer and the other trumpertist.. they're both super good.. the pianist wasn't that good that nite.. yeah.. waited till arnd 12?? aunt ann and victor came.. sat for 10 min? den left cuz the next show was at 2.. so.. left ta east coast.. have macz for supper? hahaha.. lol.. im not gona say where we went at east coast.. =PP hahahaha.. yeah.. came home arnd 2+ 3? heh.. bathed den slept.. got a new t-shirt from Samuel & Kelvin.. clearance sale at Lucky Plaza.. de shirt was like $8.. lol.. cheap..

hmmm... ticket sales ends on wed.. im helping yulong sell 7.. but currently.. im stuck with 5 left.. so pls.. any1 can buy pls help... thanks loads! =D im planning ta change de song soon... need wei wen's help again..tue founders day.. yeah.. and OMG.. SS and History source base tmr.. lol.. o wells.. i hope can do well.. =D.. heading over da pasir ris for dinner tmr. =D

any1 who knows how ta play Hotel California by Eagles on the guitar pls teach me.. =D yeah.. that shld be bout it.. baba..

lost. alone. helpless.

2005-02-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

i jus wanna blog.. i don't know what ta blog about.. but yeah.. sigh.. i don't know whats wrong with me.. smth is really wrong with me... so so wrong with me.. sigh..

i jus wanna leave everything a side.. nth to worry bout.. sigh.. y is my life heading this way... y.. sigh.. if it continues.. i don't see any need for it go on..
im jus suffering my little ass off.. with no purpose in life... y live..

no one really cares.. sigh.. i jus wanna end everything... end EVERYY SINGLE THING!
ARGH!!! FEELING SOOOOOOOO SCREWED.. sigh..

the Alastair in me is dead.. right now.. im anonymous.. feeling lost. alone. helpless.

My desire [unkown]

2005-02-12T23:37:00.000+08:00

This is my cry.
My One Desire.
Is to be where you are.
Now and forever.

was hearing that jus now.. and i ask myself.. over and over again.. what is my desire.. whats my desire to do.. for God.. for friends.. for family.. for loved and special ones.. i really don't know.. am i to help them..? in their lives? touch their lives? or jus live like everyone else.. jus live a normal life.. not caring what happens.. i really don't know..

that sick feeling came into me again.. this feeling of breaking down.. i don't know why... i think bout God.. and i jus wanna surrender everything.. sigh.. shld i really live my own by myself? jus depending on God? sigh..

many questions start popping up in my head.. how am i to live my life? is there anyone depending on me? is there anyone i can depend on? whom can i tell all my troubles... sadness.. unhapiness.. anger.. hatred.. i don't know.. most people would say God.. i talk to God.. i know he knows how im suffering... or how he leads my daily life.. i jus want an answer.. a simple answer to whether im living my life straight... a human life is nv ever straight.. if it was.. there wld be no sin.. but.. there MUST be a proper way of leading MY life? right? sigh... Live by Faith. Not by Sight. is that really true?

whenever i do smth.. i don't know if its the correct thing to do or not? im not someone who can depend on my own.. but on other people.. i count on people to give me the self-confidence.. i look at the mirror.. i see a useless person.. totally helpless.. only does things that helps his ownself.. thats what i see in me.. for me.. i totally have NO self-confidence.. things i do for God.. singing on stage.. leading worship.. all these are for God... currently.. for me.. whats there to live for? who's there to live for? only God.. then y cant i be with him EARLIER?!

This is my desire.
To HONOUR You.

i sing that song many a times.. is that wad truely my desire is?? if it is.. y is it that im not doing what i wanna do?

maybe what im going through now is loneliness.. do guys need a wall on which they can lean on whenever?? i don't know.. but i know i need a wall.. a strong firm wall... but.. whats there now is a 10 feet deep pit waiting for me to fall down to..

what can i do... what should i do.. i don't know.. my desire.. i don't know..

fatigue

2005-02-04T23:02:00.000+08:00

hmmm... 2 weeks... of fatigueness.. [i don't care how u spell it] hahaha.. hmmm.. lets see... throughout de week.. nth much happened.. watched "Finding Neverland" its kinda ok show... like tells us each of us hafta have imagination.. if not u'll live in a dark dark world.. not knowing what the world is like.. yeah..nice sweet show.. =D

yeah.. hmmm... watched "Team America" at home.. lol.. it was SUPER funny la.. so many "F" words and all.. hahahaa.. a bit of gay-ism.. yeah.. hmmm... wad else.. oh ya.. btw.. i jus got home.. from schooll.. =PP joined the house basketball team thing... have prac on 14th Feb.. how "lucky" am i.. lol.. eldric was kinda like paniking.. hahahaa.. o wells.. =P.. had SS SEQ and Chinese test.. think i'll fail both.. =\.. not goood... hmmm.. SS was difficult.. and chinese.. er... came after recess.. which was after soccer.. so.. kinda restless.. so.. ya.. =P

nth much ta blog.. but yeah.. going ta a wittle friend's church tmr.. =XX yeah.. o wells.. i needa bathe and sleep soon.. nites!

Everything's Changed~~

2005-02-01T22:21:00.000+08:00

HEYA!! heh... like da song?? woot... PLANETSHAKERS : EVERYTHING'S CHANGED!!

yeah... got that from fusion... lol.. totally rocks man!!! ROCKS! woot.. yeah.. anyway.. nth much ta blog... monday... school.. bleah..~ after school went to Changi Airport ta study... went coffee bean... had de.. er.. mocha ice blended + chicago cheese cake.. totally rocks to study with... HOWEVER! some1 cldn't study.. so in de end studied for an hr? den went walking arnd... talked sooooo much... yeah... den found a nice spot to study... lol.. o wells... sat there till like wad.. 7?? yeah... den went homee... that was.. monday..

TODAY! SUPER DUPER TIRING DAY!! yeah... had 2 PERIODS OF PE!! RAN SOOOO MUCH!!! yeah... that wasn't de end of suffering.. den Tennis had ta run 5 laps.. wth... sianz... 40 jumping jacks.. sianz... haiz.. so bloody tired... o wells... tmr.. movie.. yeah.. =DD er.. 4got wad was da show.. =P yeah.. tmr got photo shoot somemore.. Audrey Lim asked me ta take photos along with Russel, Shakti and extra BEN TAN! =.='' yeah.. said wad.. cuz i had dimples.. im like o.O'' o wells.. heh.. gone skip house meeting and 3 last periods tmr.. heh.. =DD o wells... i gotta go ta sleep soon... sooooo tired... =\.. yeah... cya! ENJOY DA SONG!!

problem

2004-09-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. cant sleep.. its like 1.06 am.. was supposed 2 be asleep like 2 hrs ago?? hmmm... sigh.. been thinking of stuff.. too complicated to be said or told.. sigh... some times i feel as if im pulling everyone down.. like.. im destroying people's lives.. even hers.. my family members.. friends.. every single person who are talking to me and all.. i feel like im a burden to them.. sigh.. some times i feel.. why is it that i wanna help people solve their problems when i can't talk to some one bout mine? why is it so hard for me to open up my problems..? maybe its jus that i don't trust the world anymore...

sigh~~ why do i contradict myself? after this entry.. some people wld ask me whats wrong.. whats been going on with my life.. thinking i had a quarrell with her or something.. sigh.. i don't know.. i don't expect people to care for me but.. sigh.. i don't know.. hmmm.. izzit so hard for some one like me jus to show what i am feeling?? guess it is.. i'd wish tt no1 wld care for me.. (sometimes i do feel no1 cares) so i cld jus end my life here.. and thats it.. a burden wld be lifted and people wld be happier.. but.. people tell me they wanna end my life.. but i always do my best to help them.. however when i use the same method to help myself? it wldn't work.. hmmm...

thats the problem.. i can't let others help me.. yet i can't help myself.. the only way to live on is to survive through these obstacles.. but.. i sometimes jus wana explode.. i can't take it.. these obstacles are too high, too hard for me to climb through.. and thats where a problem wld come up in my social life where i make everyone start to hate/dislike me.. sigh.. i know most friends/people wld talk behind my back and all... i don't care bout that but.. i feel hurt because that people i treasure most are my friends.. thats y.. i have classmates in school.. not friends.. only some.. and u guys know who you are.. and im lucky to have you guys.. sigh.. what bout people who aren't in the same school? well.. they're people whom i socialise with when i need a life.. what makes me different from others is that i pretend that i can be strong, pretend that i can help anybody, pretend that i do not need help.. but.. deep in my heart.. is a calling for me to be talked to.. to be cared for.. hmmm.. people.. pls don't talk to me bout my blog entry on this.. sigh.. this is jus part of what i have been thinking for the past few days/weeks.. sigh.. do i really deserve some1's love/care even after the biggest mistake i've done? hmmm.. tts another question i've been asking myself..

is this really who i am? why are people out there leading a happy life whilst others are pretending to be leading a happy life? for me? im caught in the middle.. i can say for 1/2 yr(alt months/weeks/days/hrs) i wld be on 1 side or the other.. am i a person to be worthy to be cared for and loved? most people whom i think have been giving me care and love are the people whom i've let down the most as well as doing the nicest thing the least... hmm.. its 1.30am.. wrote down 1/2 my thoughts in 1/2 hr.. sigh... is this the end of my thinking? some times when im sad or feeling lonely.. i wld climb outta my window sit at de ledge ( outside my window has a bar thingy so i wldn't fall) looking at de stares.. staring at de outside world.. den look down de 5 stories.. and i wld start to wonder.. how does it feel to be hit on the hard solid ground of 5 stories potential energy? wld it end my life quicklly? or wld i jus suffer later on in life where i live with a broken head? arm? leg? paralysed? whatever.. hmmm.. sigh... one last thing before i wanna end..

i've disappointed a whole lotta people.. and i jus wanna say im sorry for the things i've done to let u guys down.. and i hope ya'll wld forgive me.. yeah..

nites